Waiting

 

Tick tock

The minutes go bye slow

Tick tock

I hate having to wait just to finally know

Tick tock

Years I have already waited as I whispered a prayer

Tick tock

I waited each passing day until they turned into another year

Tick tock

Tick tock

Waiting just to be told

Tick tock

To find out about an order I made long ago

Tick tock

But for whatever reasons it was delayed

Tick tock

I didn't understand -- maybe there was a mistake

Tick tock

Tick tock

When it didn't come - I wrote a letter about my package

Tick tock

And this is what I wrote in my message

Tick tock

 

Dear Heaven,

I placed and order with you above

For one of your angels wrapped in love

A boy precious as gold

A baby for me to hold

Then I waited for your stork or a basket at my front door

But it hasn't arrived - my miracle didn't occur

When I though I had an answer I was wrong

My baby and I - together we belong

I refuse to believe Heaven ran out of angels to send - maybe the stork didn't take flight

I promise not to be mad if all this was just an over sight

My boy is there -- I have his name

So please send him fast - by express or down with the rain

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

 

First there was not a reply

I couldn't help but cry

But then a whisper came to my ear

There is a special delivery here

Tick tock

The clock slowly does tick away

And I await the news today

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

Tick tock

The doctor is here with a smile - I wait to hear what he will say to me

"Congratulations you are going to have a baby"

The Longest Wait

Are you there?
My voice can you hear?
Still so small yet I can feel you inside
Happiness I have cried

For the blessing that you are
I had wished on every star
I had waited for so long
But now they tell me something is wrong

They want to take you away
But I insist that they wait
Somehow I know you're alive
I know that in some months you will arrive

For your life I will fight
So please my son or daughter show them I am right
Give them a sign - something for them to see
So they know you still live in me

For in god and miracles they don not believe
I may not be sure when you were conceived
But I am sure that you are here and that you just need time to grow
This is something in my heart I know

I won't let them abort you
I will continue to take care of you
I will love and nurture
But it is your turn

All you have to do is grow
Give just a little show
So let them know
What I already know

We have two weeks to wonder, worry and to wait
You can't take your time you have to grow before it is too late
Who question will you answer in time
Theirs or mine
Will you give us a sign of life or will there still be a lack of
You don't want to do that because you will miss out on a lot of love

I know you are here but they don't so show them they are wrong
Who knew 2 weeks could be so long
Copyright © 2002 Carola-Dawn Deschamps

~*~ Heaven's Song ~*~

I've heard...
that from heaven rain pennies

and the agels can only be seen by babies

This is why they coo and giggle

Why they gurgle and wiggle



I've heard...
they watch over eavery baby and every child around

and that by cribs and beds they can be found

I suppose it all could be true

and that this is why when they sung to you

you follow them as you listened to thier song

leaving me all alone



I guess heaven was so beautiful to your unborn eyes

That Earth could not compare to that kind of paradise

I wish I knew why you had to go

but it is an answer I will never know


So very deep inside

I can't help but wonder why

over and over in my head

was it something that I did


or maybe something I forgot and did not do

Something that caused me to loose you

but again I will never know

Why from me you had to go

or what went wrong

Or why to heaven you now belong


I will never be able to touch your face

or feel your precious embrace

I will never know if you wore Pennies from heaven on your nose

I will never play piggies on your toes


So I pray now that the angels keep you warm

And completely safe from harm

That there up above

they will bring you all my love


for though my arms may never hold you

nor can I nurse and take care of you

And though you are not here

because you now play way up there


you will alway be my baby

the one that was meant for me

the one that I waited for --- for so long

the one that was called by Heaven's Song


And so now I let you go

but just so you know

I never did stop fighting

I never gave up hoping


And now as you leave you don't leave alone

but instead you go with your mother's love

So I will fold the blanket I made for you

and say good bye to my little boy blue


And picture you singing along

Singing with angels... Singing Heaven's song

And though I wish you had not gone

I have to face to heaven you now belong


Copyright © 2002 Carola-Dawn Deschamps

Remembering When

It is funny how easily we forget the pain
When in our body it no longer remains
We remember that it hurt and the pain was severe
To a degree it was hard to bear

But maybe it is by natural design for all about to become a mother
That we forget the worse after it has all occurred
And our arms are awarded for all the work
To hold the baby for which we gave birth

It has been long since I felt the pain in me
Or that my body gave birth to a baby
But this time it isn't the same
There is no child but still the pain came

Here it comes again
Like a life long friend
Not a blessing will it bring
Just a haunting memory

It chooses not to stay
But comes and then goes a way
Only to then return once more
Screaming tears my eyes continue to pour

Given me a pause to cry
And my reality to realize
Am I being punished for something I have done?
Worse it has gotten since this nightmare has begun

Today I am giving birth
But not bring and angel to Earth
So will this pain be forgotten when it is over?
Or will it be remembered with the pain of the baby I have lost forever

Again it comes as I wait and cry
If death will take me then let me die
Send me to heaven with my unborn baby
From this pain set me free

Labor that will not bring joy or happiness
Or no baby for me to hold and caress
Just pain eating away at me
Pain without my baby

Pain without a beginning
Paint without an ending
So much pain for a tiny thing
That my body will not bring

No precious child to love as my own
Just the pain and the feelings of being alone
Remembering pain that is so severe
Worse than most can ever bear

Suffering knowing that at the end
I will go home empty handed
Copyright © 2002 Carola-Dawn Deschamps

Childless

Looking out a window to a sky that is blue
Wondering what happen to you
Searching for answers I will never know
To questions that trouble me so

Why did it happen this way?
Who is to blame?
They say good things come to those who wait
But all that came for me was pain

All I can do now is pick up a pen and write
But the words smear from the tears I cry
So no answers do I have now
No words to even bring me comfort somehow

Just the emptiness of a broken heart
Bitterly ripped a part
And some scattered numb pages
With ink smeared in rage

A crib that sits empty and bear
Baby cloth's cloth dipping with a mother's salty tears
Questions that remain
Haunting images that drive me insane
A stroller at every corner you meet
A park on every street

A world filled with mothers and babies
Joy for everyone but me
Just constant reminders of what I have lost
And at such a great cost

The cost of my love that ran deep
The cost of nights I cry myself to sleep
Suffering on and on
As I try to figure out what went wrong

Being told it wasn't meant to be
This is really no comfort for me
Just words empty as my pen
And as empty as I have been

Smiles and laughter I can not find
Just emptiness deep inside
Carrying on to write my pain away
Trying to get through every painful day

Mourning a lost they say was never there
Words I don't believe and I refuse to hear
Robbed as a victim yet who is to blame
Knowing I will never be the same

On and on I write again and again
Waiting once more for this old heart of mine to mend
To let go of my son, my boy, my baby
The one that was taken away from me

My eyes run dry, as does the pen I hold
But my questions still torture me from answers untold
Longing for that baby they said I would never have
The one that was taken but was it because I was bad

What crime did I commit as a mom?
That caused my baby never to come
Where did my pregnancy go wrong?
To loose the child for which I waited for, for so long

Now I am dying
Now I am crying
But only deep on the inside
For the pain and grief I must hide

For though they try to give me comfort and love within words
It doesn't help me or change what has occurred

The world around me is now different in its colors and shades
Long as years and dark as nights are my days
Doctors who say I should try again
I am not sure I even know where to begin

Doctors who say conception won't happen naturally
This time was a miracle that didn't come to be
Doctors say it can happen with their helping hand
But I can not without my husband, this don't they understand

My love and life has decided to let fate and nature choose what will=20
be
He says if it happens or if it don't it will be naturally
So if the doctors are right I will face each morning's dawn
Without my baby; daughter or son

No child to fulfil the emptiness
No infant to bring happiness
Not a mother or a woman
Just a broken person

Slowly dying
Forever crying
Saving my tears for when I am alone
For in the shower or at home

The smile I wear is not true but only a fake
As I live through this nightmare from which I will never awake
Just a ghost and an empty shell
An image of the person I was now living in hell

Damnation, yes but not one of fire or brimstone
But one of internal darkness you must face alone
And endless black void of nothing
Swallowing you entirely as it is growing

Not any rainbows of joy or happiness
Just complete blackness
A place where no words of comfort can exist
The love of family and friends it can resist

Its shadow is endless
Its pain is forever timeless
No light of hope will it let in
Keeping me in this prison

Sentenced to remain and wonder why
To suffer each day until I die
Dark and grim
Keeping my sorrow locked within

Morning the lost of a child I will never hold
As my body grows empty and cold
Writing down feelings that are such a mess
Falling down the tunnel of complete loneliness

Searching for answers that can never be told
Remembering the lost boy I will never hold
Over and over does this go on
Over and over I try to figure out what went wrong

Repeating itself again and again
Like the words written by my pen
Writing that doesn't make any sense at all
As deeper in this darkness I continue to fall
Until the words run together
Blackness covers the innocence of paper

Becoming a dark ink spot filled with nothing
Not words, not emotions, not laughter, not anything
Just blackness where there is only surrender
And the lasting pain is forever

Where the harmony of life growing no longer remains to be seen
Nothing but the bleeding empty scars that is now left in me
Wearing a fake smile, forcing a laugh assuring them I am fine and okay
While inside I cry, crumble and my bleeding heart rots and decays

Neither bitter nor angry
Just a numb zombie
Tired of people wanting me talk about what I can not change
Tired of people wanting me talk about the pain

Telling me it will help it go away
When it insists to stay
And remind me of what happen
Making me live through that horror again

I live now in this distant hell
I live now as an empty shell
Full of sadness
A mother who is childless

God gave me a miracle of my own
A single chance I somehow blown
A gift returned but with out a reply
An answer to tell me why

Buried in my prison room
The dark filled questions are my tomb
Condemned to ask forever why
Damned to forever hurt and cry

Sealed and locked in misery
Facing the coldness of reality
The dancing pen is a grim reaper
Into the dark, it sucks me in deeper

My words can not be read
My heart a thousand tears have bled
But the salt heals no wound
Not for the soul that is doomed

Punished for crimes not known
A heart that can not be mended or sown
Starring into an empty cradle that will never rock
Holding a womb that will wither and rot

Crumbling away with the wind
Dying and crying deep within
For the nursery rhymes that will go untold
For my son I will never hold
Copyright © 2002 Carola-Dawn Deschamps